There are plenty of stories out there about new mothers who go crazy with the rule book – creating lists on Facebook telling would-be visitors what they can and cannot do. “Bring food or don’t come,” “Wash your hands with our special soap before coming within 15 metres of the baby,” “Do one of the chores listed on our fridge or leave” are just a few examples of so-called sanctimommy behaviour that I’ve heard about online.
For the record, I’m not like that.
I like to think of myself as a pretty laid back person. Even as a first-time mummy, I rarely get worked up over much. Sure, I might ask you to break out the hand sanitiser if you want to hold Pumpkin and I know you’ve spent the last hour riding on public transport, and I might tactfully ask you to keep your distance if you’ve got some sort of contagious illness. But for the most part, that’s as far as it goes.
All I really ask is that you use your common sense around my baby and to be kind and supportive to me and my husband. I mean, hey, we’re doing this for the first time and we’re doing it OUR way. And, to be frank, I think we’re doing a pretty good job so far.
Unfortunately, I’ve had to realise that, for some people, this is much more difficult than it sounds. So, that said, I’ve made up a list of things not to do around my child – or anyone’s children for that matter.
1. Don’t speak loudly to the child, asking things like “ARE YOU TRYING TO GO TO SLEEP?” only moments after I’ve told you the baby is about to fall asleep.
I just spent half an hour singing, rocking and otherwise comforting this child into an almost-sleeping state. And I TOLD YOU she was sleepy. You don’t need to check with her verbally (hint: she’s not going to answer – she’s five months old) and you certainly don’t need to do it in a loud voice. Thanks for startling her. Now I’ll have to spend at least another half hour – if not more – getting back to this point.
“Why yes, actually, I am trying to sleep.”
2. Don’t invade the child’s personal space.
Do you like it when people suddenly stick their faces two inches from your own? Probably not. Well, guess what, neither does my baby. Especially if she doesn’t know you very well. Just because she’s little doesn’t mean you don’t have to be polite.
3. Don’t sing racist songs
I don’t care if you learned them in school, or sang them to your own kids. Don’t sing them to mine. I can accept that some older songs you may not even realise are a problem when you start to sing them – sure, things were different 20, 30 or 50 years ago and certain songs might have seemed child-appropriate then.
Yes, I did sing ‘that song’ from Peter Pan when I was little without realising the problems behind it. But times change. If you realise a song has dubious lyrics, or if this is pointed out to you, stop singing it immediately – not when you’re done. I can forgive you – and even laugh it off if you stop. If you keep going after I tell you it’s a problem, that’s when I’ll turn mama bear on you.
4. Don’t say “But she likes it” after I’ve asked you not to do something to her.
I’ve asked you not to. So don’t. Just don’t.
5. Don’t make comments about my parenting style.
I want to raise my child in a certain way. If that’s different from how you raised your children, respect that and move on.
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That said, if you think I’m doing something wrong, I’m happy to take constructive criticism if it is presented to me in a friendly and supportive way. But you must accept when I choose not to take your advice and not take it personally if I do something different.
6. Don’t make comments about “milestones”
Oh, your kid was walking and talking and doing complex mathematics by the time he was six months old? Well good for him.
My little bundle of joy has just figured out how to roll over and is only successful one out of every five tries. And guess what? I’m fine with that. Chalking up points based on these so-called “milestones” is stupid. Every baby is different, and mine is progressing just fine.
“I’ll roll over when I feel like it.”
7. Don’t criticise my husband for not doing _______ to help me
My husband brings in a paycheque. He watches the baby in the evenings and weekends so I can have a bath and nap. He manages the money. He plans our holidays. The list goes on and on.
My point is this: he does PLENTY. So don’t criticise him for not changing a nappy or following me out of the room to dote over the baby if she’s crying. Leave him alone. If I need him to do something, I’ll ask. It’s called communication and teamwork, and we’ve got it figured out thankyouverymuch.
8. Don’t gender stereotype
I don’t buy into gender stereotypes and I don’t want my child growing up thinking she needs to be a certain way because she’s a girl. So just don’t start with the “It’s because she’s a girl…” comments. It’s not because she’s a girl that she does the things she does. It’s because she’s a baby and because of the way she’s being treated at home.
It’s a slippery slope from “She wants to know everything that’s going on because she’s a girl” to “She’s bad at science and math because she’s a girl“. It’s likely that she’ll hear comments like that too soon anyway – I don’t want the message coming any earlier or from important people in her life.
“I’m not this fabulous just because I’m a girl… but it helps!”
So, that’s my list. Am I being reasonable here? Is there anything you’d change or add to the list? Please let me know in the comments section below.
You were being very reasonable in July, and on this October #ArchiveDay, you still sound reasonable. So how’s that working for you? Generally I find people who are not smart enough to realize loudly asking a baby “Are you trying to sleep?” is a bad idea are, on the whole, not very receptive to advice… but I can’t blame you for trying.
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Argh that last one! It drives me crazy when people say my son does things “because he’s a boy.” No, he does things because that’s who he is, not because of his gender!
Exactly! It’s so frustrating.